In a world that often glorifies self-sacrifice, the notion of loving someone more than you love yourself might seem like the best thing to do. After all, human beings are wired for connection, and nurturing loving relationships is a beautiful thing.
But we’d like to challenge that idea in the post. While it may seem like pure love to love someone more than yourself, that’s not always the case. Whether it’s with romantic partners, family members, or friends, love is a core human need. However, what happens when the scale tips too far and you find yourself loving others at the expense of your own well-being?Â
In this post, we delve into the intricacies of this dynamic, discussing the allure of self-sacrificial love, its unseen consequences, and the path toward finding equilibrium.
The Allure of Sacrificial Love
Romantic love, in particular, often paints a picture of unconditional love and selfless devotion. This unconditional love has been portrayed in romantic movies and even throughout society. Society often portrays the best way to show love is by putting the needs of others first and not taking the time to focus on self-love.
We are often led to believe that in order to love someone in the deepest capacity, we must put our needs on the back burner. And that type of love, the love that is all-encompassing where you are loving someone more than yourself is often idolized. But in order to have the best and most pure loving relationship, you must love yourself the most and love yourself first.Â
The notion that you’re worthy of love when you give love without reservation can be deeply ingrained. And I’m sure that there’s a good chance that many of us struggle with this. You are worthy of love, period. Yes, it’s important to give love but you are worthy of love first and foremost. There should not be any strings attached to this. You should never have to sacrifice yourself to love someone else because if you do, you may experience the consequences.
The Unseen Consequences of Loving Someone More Than Yourself
In the pursuit of being selfless and nurturing a healthy love for others, you might inadvertently neglect your own needs. Constantly prioritizing others’ feelings can lead to burnout, a decline in self-confidence, and even mental health struggles.
When you are constantly pouring into someone else’s cup and not your own, you will soon be depleted. That’s because if your only focus is on someone else, you may not even realize that your health and wellness may start to decline.Â
And this usually happens gradually, it’s not typically an overnight thing.
Take this time right now to stop and think about your entire life. How often do you put yourself first? Are you always prioritizing the others in your life before yours?
In the grand scheme of things, there will be challenges in life that you experience. This may mean that you care for family members, friends, or romantic interests. Or that for a period of time you are over-extending yourself but this should not be the norm in your relationship.
You shouldn’t be the only one investing time in these relationships. Let’s pause here and take an assessment of your social bonds and life to see if you need to start focusing on yourself more.
Reflection QuestionsÂ
– Do people meet you halfway in your relationships?
– Do you find yourself putting your needs on the back burner?
– How much time do you spend taking care of yourself? Is this quality time or 5 minutes a month?
– Do you get irritated with people when they always depend on you?
– Does helping people make you happy and fulfilled?
– Are your relationships fulfilling?
– Are you the relationship hero? Meaning you’re always coming to the rescue and no one does the same for you?
– Are there people you can turn to during hard times?
– What kind of love is important to you? What kind of relationship do you wish to be in?Â
– Are you always people-pleasing?Â
The answers to the questions above may have identified some little things in your life that you’ve been feeling deeply.
If you feel that you may need to balance your relationships, it’s a good idea to review these questions on a regular basis. If you feel that there are some larger items to address, we have some ways for you to take back your power and build your self-confidence.Â
How to Prioritize Yourself and Stop Loving Others More Than YourselfÂ
Below you’ll find some tips and activities to work through to address the absence of self-love. They are in no particular order and you can try out what feels good to you and leave what doesn’t. Sometimes they activities will bring up strong emotions. Remember, be gentle with yourself, and make sure to prioritize self-compassion when you’re on this journey!Â
Seek Counseling or TherapyÂ
Counseling and therapy is no longer taboo. Some of the most successful people attribute their success to therapy. Seeking therapy is a great way to invest in yourself and it can be very eye-opening. One simple reason to go to therapy is that we may have blind spots.
If we often get advice from a best friend or family member, they may not feel comfortable giving us the feedback that we need. Additionally, if you find yourself loving someone more than yourself, it’s unlikely that they will tell you to stop spending time with them.Â
One of the biggest takeaways from going to therapy is that you may uncover why you may struggle to show yourself the right amount of self-love. Some of us may be dealing with emotional attachment issues and others may be struggling with people pleasing.
We are not doctors and this is not mental health advice but many people find that they are happy when they find a therapist. This is because they may learn about important life coping tools and uncover areas of their life that can be better.Â
One great thing about getting help is that there are many different ways to access therapy. There’s text therapy, talk therapy, and many other means. If you are not ready to speak with someone, sometimes self-help books are a great way to begin your journey.
A therapist or counselor will give you different activities, workpages, and the correct foundation to help you long term. One of the first tasks that you may receive is the task to set boundaries. Loving someone more than yourself may seem noble but that’s not one of the love languages and it’s a sign that you may need to set boundaries.Â
Set Boundaries
The concept of loving someone more than yourself often blurs the lines between selflessness and sacrificing your own sense of self.
Healthy relationships, however, thrive on the presence of healthy boundaries. Setting these boundaries doesn’t mean you love someone any less. This may be a major modification to your own behavior and you may struggle with this at first, but remember, if you want to start loving yourself more, you may need to set new relationship expectations. Loving others should be a choice, not an unconscious pattern.
Healthy love is about understanding your partner’s feelings without compromising your core values. While unconditional love is a beautiful concept, it doesn’t mean tolerating everything without question. True love entails both partners growing and supporting each other through good times and challenges. In fact, setting healthy boundaries can strengthen a relationship, as it allows for open communication and respect for individual needs.
Instead, it’s akin to putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting others during a flight. If you were on a flight and needed oxygen but didn’t put yours on first and instead put on the mask of others, you would be in a dangerous situation. To show up as the best version of yourself, self-love is non-negotiable. And self love is not selfish, it’s actually the opposite!Â
Finding Your Equilibrium Through Self Love
Embracing self-love doesn’t mean you stop loving others. It’s about recognizing that your well-being is intertwined with theirs. Engaging in a conscious effort to balance your own happiness and the well-being of your loved ones can transform the way love flows.
People who struggle with insecurity often find it hard to strike this balance, as their own insecurities drive them to overcompensate in their relationships. However, when you cultivate self-confidence and practice self-love, your relationships become healthier and more fulfilling.Â
But Where Do You Start? Practicing Self LoveÂ
For starters, if you want a more balanced life and to build up confidence and self love, start with your surroundings. Are you on social media non-stop? Are you constantly comparing yourself to others? You’ll want to first remove anything that you can from your environment that doesn’t make you feel good (if you can). This means it’s time to clean up social media. If you are always comparing yourself to someone, unfollow them.Â
One of the next steps you can take is to assess how you nourish yourself. Think – how can I nourish my mind, body, and soul? Put down the processed foods and opt for a meal that’s packed with nutrients. And while you’re eating that healthy food, start thinking about your thoughts.
If you spend time in a very negative space, try to start changing your negative thoughts. This is one of the easy ways to change how we show up in the world. When you have negative thoughts that are false beliefs such as – I’m fat or I’m ugly, replace it with a positive affirmation.Â
Once you start to create a better environment and nourish yourself, then it’s time to get into some of the core work around changing how you show up for yourself. It’s time for you to prioritize self-care and confidence-boosting activities so you can experience love in a new way – love for yourself!Â
Final Thoughts – Loving Someone More Than Yourself
In the end, finding equilibrium in love requires recognizing that self-love is not antithetical to loving others; it’s a prerequisite.
Self-love isn’t selfish; it’s a healthy habit that forms the foundation of all your relationships. Remember, a relationship should enhance your life, not be the center of it. The best relationships come from two whole individuals coming together, rather than two incomplete halves seeking completion.
By setting boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and nurturing your own sense of self, you create a strong foundation for mature love that benefits both you and your loved ones. It’s a journey that requires work, but the rewards are well worth the effort.